Just a cup of tea, please
Among the sequence of words I most dread to hear are "Just a cup of tea, please". What's with the "just".........these tea drinkers pretend they are doing you a favor by asking for "just a cup of tea" when they must know it is ten times more work than "a glass of wine" "a cup of coffee" or even "a milk shake".
First comes the decision of what type - you have to rattle through all the boxes of "real" tea and then "herbal teas" in the cupboard. Not satisfied with just the names on the boxes they then demand that you read off all the specific ingredients (sometimes up to ten!) and then of course there's the additive question. Inevitably some are produced by organizations whose parent companies' dubious investments have recently attracted publicity and must ipso facto be boycotted.
"Real tea" is just as problematic - first off is it China? or India? If, like me, you're a Yank (albeit, after 40 years living here, Euopeanized to a degree) you will need to scrutinize the box to discover which is which. And then there are just as many choices from Lapsang Souchong to Rose Pouchong (I kid you not). Just when you think the tea drinker might be coming to a decision you discover that they are boycotting Twinings and will only drink Waitrose' Own.
"What about Fortnum and Mason's Royal Blend?" I ask, expecting capitulation when confronted with the "Royal" presence.
"That will do"......My God, the end is in sight! But oh no.....not so fast. "Bags?!" they holler. "Do you expect me to have tea made with tea bags?"
Back to the cupboard....thankfully I find a (hopefully but doubtfully) fresh box of 'Taylors of Harrogate' Earl Grey tea which, if not Royal is at least Aristocratic, and loose leaf! Bravo
Now to the perplexed question of how they like their tea made. Not too much difference of opinion on how to boil the kettle in my experience (though I bet there's a prejudice against electric kettles?) but there are gasps when I put the loose leaf Earl Grey tea into the tea pot without first warming the pot!
"What?" say I, rapidly depleting any patience reserves I might have, "the bloody pot's going to get warm with all that boiling water on top of the tea anyway".
The response comes with that sancitmonious, condescending look that tea-drinkers do so well......the sort of "no hope for this wretched individual" look that Miss Merill gave me in 3rd Grade when I asked an awkward question. "Just take my word for it, the tea will not taste properly unless it's allowed to steep (steep!) for at least five minutes in a pre-warmed pot".
Grrreat! Deep breath, and five minutes later the "steeped" tea is ready for consumption, almost. Sugar, yes or no? Lemon, yes or no? Milk, yes or no? warm or cold - or perhaps tepid? Cup or mug?
"Oh cup, always" (meaning "How could you be so stupid?") - "and China".....
"But you asked for Earl Grey, and that's India!" say I, exhibiting my new-found knowledge.
"No" ( that look again) "the cup must be made of china - it completely ruins the taste to drink out of anything other than china".
The tea drinker now (twenty stress-filled minutes later) has everything they want sitting in front of them.
"Any particular speed you would like it poured?" I enquire. A remark dismissed with a prolonged blink of the eyes.
"That's fine" the tea-drinker says after appraising a mouthful as if at a wine-tasters conference, "now where's your cosy?"
First comes the decision of what type - you have to rattle through all the boxes of "real" tea and then "herbal teas" in the cupboard. Not satisfied with just the names on the boxes they then demand that you read off all the specific ingredients (sometimes up to ten!) and then of course there's the additive question. Inevitably some are produced by organizations whose parent companies' dubious investments have recently attracted publicity and must ipso facto be boycotted.
"Real tea" is just as problematic - first off is it China? or India? If, like me, you're a Yank (albeit, after 40 years living here, Euopeanized to a degree) you will need to scrutinize the box to discover which is which. And then there are just as many choices from Lapsang Souchong to Rose Pouchong (I kid you not). Just when you think the tea drinker might be coming to a decision you discover that they are boycotting Twinings and will only drink Waitrose' Own.
"What about Fortnum and Mason's Royal Blend?" I ask, expecting capitulation when confronted with the "Royal" presence.
"That will do"......My God, the end is in sight! But oh no.....not so fast. "Bags?!" they holler. "Do you expect me to have tea made with tea bags?"
Back to the cupboard....thankfully I find a (hopefully but doubtfully) fresh box of 'Taylors of Harrogate' Earl Grey tea which, if not Royal is at least Aristocratic, and loose leaf! Bravo
Now to the perplexed question of how they like their tea made. Not too much difference of opinion on how to boil the kettle in my experience (though I bet there's a prejudice against electric kettles?) but there are gasps when I put the loose leaf Earl Grey tea into the tea pot without first warming the pot!
"What?" say I, rapidly depleting any patience reserves I might have, "the bloody pot's going to get warm with all that boiling water on top of the tea anyway".
The response comes with that sancitmonious, condescending look that tea-drinkers do so well......the sort of "no hope for this wretched individual" look that Miss Merill gave me in 3rd Grade when I asked an awkward question. "Just take my word for it, the tea will not taste properly unless it's allowed to steep (steep!) for at least five minutes in a pre-warmed pot".
Grrreat! Deep breath, and five minutes later the "steeped" tea is ready for consumption, almost. Sugar, yes or no? Lemon, yes or no? Milk, yes or no? warm or cold - or perhaps tepid? Cup or mug?
"Oh cup, always" (meaning "How could you be so stupid?") - "and China".....
"But you asked for Earl Grey, and that's India!" say I, exhibiting my new-found knowledge.
"No" ( that look again) "the cup must be made of china - it completely ruins the taste to drink out of anything other than china".
The tea drinker now (twenty stress-filled minutes later) has everything they want sitting in front of them.
"Any particular speed you would like it poured?" I enquire. A remark dismissed with a prolonged blink of the eyes.
"That's fine" the tea-drinker says after appraising a mouthful as if at a wine-tasters conference, "now where's your cosy?"
posted by Makonnen at 3:05 AM
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